Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, was known as the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He slid up to the bar and announced “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
At a hotel some time ago, a regional chess tournament was held. The action, while appearing slow to the casual onlooker, was in reality quite intense as these masters gave their gray matter such a workout over the duration of the tournament.
At last it was over, the trophies presented to the winners and everyone moved into the lobby to rehash their best moves. What a great time they were having! Wives and husbands began arriving to pick up these gamers. One even arrived with her pet wire fox terrier named Jack, who was pretty excited tugging at everyone’s pants legs and all.
Oh, yes, a great time, up until the hotel manager, who was trying to balance the day’s receipts, got all hot and bothered under the collar. Now this poor soul had broken his leg skiing recently and was temporarily laid up in a wheel chair. This just compounded his annoyance at the party taking place in his hotel lobby.
So he wheeled himself out to the lobby and started telling people to disburse: Go to the bar, go to the dining room, go home – anything but hang around in the lobby!
One of them had to ask why. The manager, who was also busy fighting off the dog, had a quick reply that was to the point:
“I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer with Jack Fox nipping at my wheels!”
A man entered his local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named Amahl. The other went to a family in Spain; they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amahl. Her husband responded, “But they are twins–once you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amahl.”
Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the “men of God,” the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the toughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving (Brace yourself) That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Some friends decided to get together for breakfast at a new upscale restaurant one Saturday before Christmas. They all placed their orders for a variety of breakfasts: Eggs and bacon, waffles and pancakes with sausages, eggs benedict, and fruit baskets.
The waiter brought each order one by one, and finally served the person who ordered eggs benedict. As the meal was set on the table, the guest did a double take as he found that the meal was served on a hubcap. He asked the waiter what was the meaning behind this nonsense.
At that point the waiter broke out singing, “There’s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!”
My uncle was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters whose job was to fertilize the eggs. My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn’t perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone, he promptly bought them.
He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn’t ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster’s neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter. My uncle’s favorite rooster was old Brewster. Brewster was a fine specimen, but his bell didn’t ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate.
Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Chagrined at first, Uncle was soon so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.
Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize, but also the Pullet Surprise.
The last number for the night at the symphony concert was Beethoven’s Ninth. One of the bass players says to the other: “Let’s talk to the conductor, and go out for a couple of brews while this is on. After all, they only need us at the beginning of the first movement and the end of the last, and there’s lots of time in between.”
They agree, and go to the conductor, who nixes the idea. They’ll have to stay on the stage just like the rest of the orchestra, he tells them.
The first bass player decided he was going to have his way anyway. So during the first movement, just after the basses are done, he leans over to the other one and says, “let’s go get those brews.”
“But we can’t,” says the second.
“Oh yes, we can,” says the first. “I took a piece fishing line and tied the last two pages of the score together, and Maestro won’t be able to get to the end until he figures out his problem and undoes the line.”
So out they go. After they’ve had a few, the second says they better be getting back.
“No, let’s have another,” says the first. And they do. And another. And another. And another.
Finally they get ready to go back, and they start sneaking into their places on the stage.
While they’re doing so, the first violinist leans over to the second violinist and says:
“Look at that! It’s the bottom of the Ninth. The score is tied. And the basses are loaded!”
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says “Are you sure?” The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him …. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by [main_last]halitosis.[/main_last]